I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
