Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
