I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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