Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
