You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
