I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize