went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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