I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
