Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
