does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
