Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he thought i was a dude.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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