I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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