She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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