You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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