I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
