woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
where are my eyebrows?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
