i would one night stand the shit outta him
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
