Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize