sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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