So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
