You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
