omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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