my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
