i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
