That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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