3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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