i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
