At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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