my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
