yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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