was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
