Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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