and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
