got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
