Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
