I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need to sanitize my soul.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
