It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
