so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
pray to the hookup gods
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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