LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
