I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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