There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
