How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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