Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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