and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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