I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize