there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
