I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
