Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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