I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
