I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
