So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
