I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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