I cannot find my penis.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
