Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I currently don't understand fingers.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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