someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
