I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
