I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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