pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
