Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
