Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
bring money and cleavage
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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